Tarsier

Sometimes you have to challenge conventional wisdom, especially when conventional wisdom is a slurry of lies about how zombies, possessed children, and baby ghouls can’t be cute. The source of that contrarian notion? The tarsier. Wide amber eyes that stare through your soul and a mischievous, Gollum-esque smirk are enough to make you want to scoop the furry little bastard out of a tree and kiss the evil out of it. Just don’t call it a monkey. Tarsiers are very sensitive animals, both emotionally and to sunlight. Which is why they evolved those massive eyes to hunt any insect, frog, lizard, or crab stupid enough to shimmy up their trees. You might think tarsiers are the world’s smallest primates. Again, conventional wisdom is wrong. But they are the only primates worth owning if you’ve got a wicked insect infestation and the local exotic pet dealer owes you a favor. Also, don’t try smuggling one out of the Philippines or ask the customs officer if “he’d like to high five your little buddy” when they pull it out of your shirt pocket.

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